Don't Read This....You've Got Things to Do!

Well-behaved women seldom make history. 

At least that is what car bumpers teach: the ones with bumper stickers that quote Laurel Thatcher Ulrich from her book of the same title which I'm reading right now for book club. I had big hopes to love it and learn the secrets to making waves while still being a genteel lady and respectable mother. But it has been a little hard for me to slog through.

Probably because

a) my sister got me playing Words with Friends which is rudely distracting
b) my brain is blitzing (see the Twitter Trap: excellent article)
c) the world is ending tomorrow and I need to MAKE history, not just READ about it

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I have mixed feelings about the world ending on Saturday (at least the Rapture part).

On the one hand, it's nice to know plans in advance. (True, I totally dig surprises, just not when they have to do with death). It's also nice to know that my family will all be dying together, preventing the need for mourning and wailing and gnashing of teeth and the inevitable fight (and guilt) with the funeral home about not buying the casket for my hubby with air-conditioning and automated air freshening.

The biggest benefit, the one that I'm already in rapture about------ the rapture before the Rapture--------- is that I won't have to pay back my student loans which are supposed to begin in June. Boy, I planned that well.  I could just kiss Harold Camping for giving me the evidence I need to tell the loan people to take a [final enjoyable] hike. Now, I have a batch of unspoken-for funds that I can use to help in my final hours eating cheesecake, twinkies, dr. pepper, guacamole, bacon chocolate, bacon cookies, bacon pizza and bacon.

However, the impending END is not all foofaraw and gluttony. There are drawbacks and downfalls. What about the unfinished business? I was just learning about becoming a misbehaved woman and making history. I was working up to the moment of setting a goal to start thinking about becoming more interesting, friendly, successful, and philanthropic before my lights dim. I've been planning a saddleback jeans comeback in 2013. I was going to get back on track to have my annoying personality flaws ironed out in 12 years. My new New's Year slogan and bumper sticker design is in the works to say: QUIRK-FREE in 2023

Besides unfinished business, the idea of the world ending conjures up a few regrets. My biggest one is that Mr Fish and I didn't think of this. EarthBound Pets is a purchased service that ensures your pets are taken care of by those not risen in the Rapture (all those agreeing to take care of the pets are atheists). I just kick myself that we didn't start this business. What a philanthropic gesture. Not to mention, business is booming. We would be rich enough to eat hormone-free, organic, free-range, grass fed bacon from stress-free, sunbathed and spa-treated happy pigs every single minute we have left.

By the way, if you are thinking "well shucks.... I better get me one of those plans for my little Poofy Poo Poodle-oo," you are plum out of luck. With unprecedented email volume, they have more business than they can handle. Hate to sound cold, but your pets may have to fend for themselves or live with your ex. (Haha! did you notice what I did there?)

Yes, there are definitely pros and cons to the world ending soon.

Since this may be my final post, I want the record to be known to the cats, crows and miscreants left behind: I love my God, family and religion more than anything in this world. As long as I have those, I'll be in heaven wherever I am, even earth. Amen.

In rapture,
ms fish

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PS: Just in case.....heaven forbid (or heaven allows), there turns out to be some miscalculation and we still find ourselves here with mortgage payments and meals to cook,  I'm starting a new blog feature.

The Words with Friends game, along with my friend Lexi Annie O, have inspired me to improve my vocabulary. That way, when I do arrive at the pearly gates, I can impress Peter and defend my life's choices with bigger fancier words.

So, starting today and in each subsequent blog post, I will incorporate an uncommon (in my world) vocabulary word. If you want (or are bored since you can go back to procrastinating if the world doesn't end), try and pick out that word.

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IMPORTANT NOTE:  Although I am having fun with the apocalyptic concept here, this post is not intended to mock or poke fun of good Christian (or non-Christian) people and their sincere beliefs. I want to be respectful of all people and faiths and allow them to worship how they may. I personally believe that there will be a second coming of Christ, which will be glorious, though the day is unknown. I am actually looking forward to it, though my mixed feelings will still apply.

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Today's word [somewhere in this post] means:  
a fuss over a trivial matter


Melissa said...

I love reading your blog. You are a very talented writer, among so many other amazing qualities you have. Maybe you should give up nursing and just become a writer....

LGH said...

I totally agree with what Melissa said; this was such a fun post to read...very witty and clever indeed. And, it made me think - about bacon! You rock, sista!

julie said...

Why would you want to get rid of your quirks? I quite enjoy them. In the brilliant words of Tyra Banks "Never dull your shine for somebody else".

I think our quirks define us. Excellent post as always.

Miss said...

Oh Jenni! I just loved this one! I, myself, think of the rapture and hope that transfiguration (as opposed to death) will happen...but must set aside the foofaraw and hope that all my loved ones will be with me, whether I remain a terrestrial or a celestial being:) Keep me informed on your doings because I hope that you are with me so that I can experience your talent and wit! Love you!

Mrs. Olsen said...


Ms. Fish said...

That's a great point about quirks. I really agree with you. I think in this essay, I meant quirks to be synonymous with bad habits. I guess I didn't define that well.

Thanks for your comments everyone.


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